When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE