Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

If only.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.