I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
the zen of frog
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.