[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
tourist season
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Optional boss fight.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*