and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
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What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Thrilling chase underway
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Breakfast for Stoners:
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.