Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

some cats are just doing for fun!

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

haha same

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?