True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
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When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
My new favorite headline
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.