Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

File under excellent bookstore names.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows