Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺