Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.