Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.