Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.