a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Home is where your toilet is.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad