I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I drew y’all a little something.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
house sitting!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
