Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time