I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
You Might Also Like
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
2024 has been a rough few years