Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

Google assistant rules

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

Ferrari squats

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here