it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
😅😅😅
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God