Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*