Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“what that mouth do?” complain
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Phew
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Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.