Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
You Might Also Like
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
there has never been a better use of this meme
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
buying dead houseplants to save time
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.