My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
the three genders
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35