“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Am I having a stroke?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
True?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined