Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

May your day taste like creamy soup.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”