Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
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*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Sorted
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Why is everyone getting married at me
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Eating for two.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
The Friday File.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.