Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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Love it! 👍😂
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
This could’ve been an email.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
