Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

The symmetry is uncanny.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

want me to check your oil?

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel