Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point