the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
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7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.