I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Bringing home a sharpie
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Krampus.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.