Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Important