Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Ooh I do like a good funnel

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

welp

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

(grounding my kid) go outside.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight