Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

SONOFA

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.