If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
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Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…