Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin