We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I think we should hear other voices.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
how to have fun when you’re poor
