My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
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After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
honey, bring out the fine china.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.