Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

ibopfufen

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

🙅🏻

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again