Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
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[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
asking santa clause for nudes
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Most fashion shows these days…