As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
worst…sale…ever
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*