Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

dril cadence

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up