Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

This is enough internet for the day.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say