Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.