Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Back in my day, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to change the channel

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

Follow me for more fitness tips.

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.

Husband: What experts?

Me: Experts.

Husband: But who?

Me: Me. I’m the experts.

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”