Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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want me to check your oil?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.