Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

A recipe for laughter

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.