doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.