Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

gentlemen, hear me out

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.