Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
lmao😭🤣
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.