Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

From Facebook just now…

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Sheep

aura

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)