Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

GM✌🏻

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.